I’ve been mulling over a big decision.
Should I press the pause button on my nomadic life for the rest of the year or so — staying where I am and traveling only for whatever speaking gigs and conventions will still happen? Or continue with my “old normal” and go where I am led, despite all the unknowns about travel or work.
Every day I got quiet and listened to hear the answer. To do that, every day I had to go below the fear. Which meant some deep excavation. Because the fear, as it all turned out, went far deeper than I thought.
And what was particularly surprising was to recognize that my feelings were more like tiramisu than M&Ms. There wasn’t a hard coating of fear around the soft chocolate of my heart. Rather there were different flavors of fear mixed in with the Love.
So I began paying attention to what each of those felt like. How I experienced them. The joy of being present right where I am. The particular kinds of self-dialogue that fear engendered. The different ways things felt.
Then yesterday I had a breakthrough.
I had gotten clear how my heart felt and what my heart was telling me to do. That felt very very simple. For countless reasons, it felt right to choose where I am as my home base for the rest of the year or so.
But what I realized was that there were two strains of fear: Old fear and new fear.
The old fear was irrational and not particularly relevant to the situation. But it felt the most real and the most urgent because it was the most familiar.
Then there was the new fear — which felt more rational but less anxiety provoking.
I was spending a lot of time talking to both strains of fear, even though neither of them held the answer.
Only Love held the answer. Only Love could.
Once I saw that, the decision came easily. I had to let Love choose.
WHAT HAPPENED: I needed to make a decision about whether to stay here.
WHAT I INITIALLY FELT: That I had been lead to exactly the right place for so many reasons.
WHAT I INITIALLY TOLD MYSELF: Take your time. Let whatever needs to surface surface. Consider it all. Listen for the answer..
WHAT I INITIALLY WANTED: For the discomfort of not knowing to stop.
WHAT I DID: I got quiet and took my time and listening to everything that surfaced.
WHAT I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE DONE: I actually did what I would like to have done. . .but I would like to become less impressed with fear.
WHAT FEAR SAID: Strain One said — Money money money money money money money. How can you agree to this when you don’t know about money? (That was Old Fear.) Strain Two said anything it could to get me to focus more on fear and less on Love. Such as: There are mice. You don’t know anyone. Are you sure this is the right place. Oh, and there are lots of bugs. You don’t know how hot the summers are going to be. Did I mention you don’t know anyone? Do you have what you need here? Why here?
WHAT LOVE SAID: I brought you here with such ease. Everything has unfolded so beautifully. You are surrounded by lovingkindness in the form of neighbors and landlords. You have everything you need in a place you have wanted to explore. And what is home anyway except the Home of Love.
WHAT FELT UNTRUE AND/OR OLD: Doubt about whether I will be supplied. Beating myself up about poor choices in my past and whether those have left me in a poor position now. The need to keep moving.
WHAT FELT TRUE AND NEEDS ATTENTION: I am being asked to learn how to be still. I am being given an opportunity to stop running around like a chicken with my head cut off and listen to Love’s guidance. I am being given the space to engage in something I have longed for: Radical Collaboration in Love.
WHAT IS NOT WHOLE: My radical reliance on Love. I know the Truth, but I give fear far too much credence — even though I know that fear is not real or true or right.
HOW I WILL PRACTICE WHOLENESS:
I will remember that if Love isn’t talking, it’s not true.
I will remember that whatever has happened in the past can be healed by Love.
I will invite Love to show me where I am not listening.
I will look to Love as my Source and Re-Source.
I will remember that home is not a place. Home is Love.
I will let go of fear’s stories and let Love write new ones.
I will witness fear but not give it credence.
I will know the truth of the infinity of Supply and Love.
I will trust Love as my Source instead of spending time managing fear’s stories and warnings.
I will lean, learn, listen and love in, as, through, with Love.
I will make more holistic choices and so demonstrate what I know to be the healing Power of Love in a world that needs to heal and become whole.
Here’s today’s accompanying heart-centered video: